Maynard Reevers: Horoscopes are just a fun thing. At 15, you will have plenty of chances at "love". Keep looking and trying, sooner or later "love" will happen. If things don't work out, start out all over again. One day IT WILL HAPPEN.
Susan Rambo: The best are the weekly horoscopes from The Onion. None are better! Here are some for this week:Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn. Taurus Apr 20 - May 20After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad. Gemini May 21 - Jun 21You will soon become the first person in history to be offered sex because of your political-cartooning skills. Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22An embarrassing nickname comes back to haunt you this week, convincing you once and for all that you should never have strangled all those nurses. Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22The times call for rational, well-re! asoned thinking. Under no circumstances allow your thinking to be clouded by superstition. Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22You enjoy true back-to-school learning fun this week at the hands of a well-trained, double-jointed Korean sex instructor. Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk. Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21Your mother thinks you are wonderful, unique and lovable. Push her down a flight of stairs....Show more
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